Psychic

Always one to be sucked in by things I'm reading, and self-centered enough to think that everything is just a LITTLE bit like ME, now I think I'm psychic. Oh, not just me, but Hub-D, totally.

I just finished a book by Allison Dubois, the inspiration for the TV show "Medium," which, yes, I love. She discusses many things in her book -- how those who have "passed" still linger among us, and what she SEES. She discusses the idea that many people have psychic tendencies, but they don't know what to make of them as children, so they shut them out.

It reminded me of the time when I was little and I became convinced that a woman in Victorian clothing was hanging around in my mother's study. I even drew a picture of her. Who knows, I probably got it from some book, but WHAT IF I was totally psychic and SEEING DEAD PEOPLE? And then because my parents didn't take it seriously, I repressed my GIFT?

Anyway, all of this leads me to a line of thinking regarding my miscarriage. I've been super-sad about it again -- I really does come in waves -- like contractions of grief. I thought about how, despite the fact I had so many initial symptoms of pregnancy, I denied that it was possible, but then, when I had irrefutable proof that I was pregnant, my first instinct was to schedule a CVS test -- a fairly invasive early pregnancy determination of birth defects.

I scheduled the test THAT DAY, when I found out I was pregnant, even though it wouldn't take place for 10 weeks in the future. Then I shared with many people my thoughts about the coming baby -- I felt protective of Babycakes, and determined that I would do anything to protect my CURRENT family against a child with birth defects.

Yes, probably every expectant mom mulls over birth defects when they are in their first trimester -- the fear of the unknown, and the terrible stories you collect when pregnant. But I felt pretty sure the baby DID have birth defects, and I was on a mission to get tested on the very first possible day, in order to determine if my hunch was correct.

I did get excited, obviously, about the prospect of adding a child to the family, but I remember, the day before my miscarriage, reaching down and rubbing my belly and feeling like it was an UNWELCOME presence somehow. I told my friends, as we took a hike in the hills nearby, that I felt fiercly protective of Babycakes and Hub-D, and our current familial bliss, and I wanted to know ASAP whether this kid would ruin it.

Strange thinking, I suppose. And by that point, the embryo had "passed" anyway. The next morning the bleeding started.

So now, because I'm obsessed with Allison Dubois, I'm wondering -- is the embryo still "with us" the way dead people are? Oh that's just bizarre thinking, and in order to truly determine whether this is the case, I would need to employ a legitimate psychic.

DON'T think I didn't look into it. A psychic could also tell me whether I would conceive and fully gestate future progeny -- relieving me of my reproductive sadness and obsession. It's $350 for a reading from a legitimate psychic.

The people who are the "real thing" really demand a pretty penny.

What am I? Nancy Reagan!??? Anyway, I'm psychic, so I ought to be able to see it myself, yes?