
I dropped off a few of Hub-D's shirts at the cleaners, and I asked if they could replace a few broken buttons. The woman behind the counter asked, "OK if we just use a black button? No way I can match that color."
Having consigned Hub-D's shirt to a mismatched button, I remembered the LENGTHS I went to to replace a button on another guy's shirt, way back in 1996, just 'cause I liked him. It had been a purple button, so I believe that I asked my friend S. to express mail a purple button to me, so that I could replace it.
WHAT did I think that would gain me? Did I think this guy would fall for me because I somehow magically repaired his shirt with JUST the right color button? And, perhaps a better question -- what was I doing hanging around guys who wore shirts with PURPLE BUTTONS in the first place?
I don't know. I was just grasping at straws in my dating life -- completely down the wrong path with the wrong guys -- guys who didn't like me as much as I liked them. LORD the time I wasted on these fellows who didn't even LIKE me! At the time, I believed that if I dialled JUST the right combination on them, they would start liking me back.
From my wise, married, joyful perspective now, I can see what an idiotic pursuit this was. I didn't have much in common with these guys, so it's GOOD that none of these things worked out, that no matter how much of a GROUPIE I was, or how many purple buttons I sewed on (maybe I even bought purple thread too) -- I had the completely WRONG idea about how love worked.
Someday, Babycakes is going to notice boys other than her handsome daddy, and she's going to embark on her own dating adventures. Here is my advice for her: DON'T work to impress anyone other than your future husband.
This doesn't mean that she should just slack off until the man of your dreams comes waltzing in -- this means, having faith that she will meet her match someday, that she should work to make herself an interesting, attractive, open-minded, open-hearted woman. She should pursue interesting career paths, she should take care of her body, she should be kind to men who ask her out (but don't feel obligated to accept), and -- for the love of all that is holy -- she should not date anyone who doesn't like her as much as she likes him. EVER. And your future husband will love and appreciate all of this.
See, in my 20's, I would go into overdrive when I met a dude I liked. There were cases where we weren't even DATING, but I would be changing myself into the kind of woman I thought he would like, desperately tap-dancing for him to notice me, for him to approve of me, and give me LOVE. No, that doesn't work, Babycakes! Don't do that.
Instead, make yourself fascinating. Follow things that interest YOU, listen to music that interests YOU, wear clothes that make YOU feel beautiful, accept jobs that advance you professionally, and remain true to yourself, your friends and your family.
If you've been hanging around a guy, on a "friend"-like basis, and you just think he's terrific and you want to go out with him -- take a HINT. A guy isn't going to let a woman hang around him on a "friend" basis if he's interested in a romantic relationship with her. Men are programmed, by nature, to pursue that which interests them. If things aren't going anywhere, move on, get busy with other things. I believe now that you don't need to ask HIM out, you don't have to drop huge hints, and you DON'T NEED TO REPLACE HIS MISSING PURPLE BUTTONS.
Sure, when I met Hub-D, I
threw myself at him, but he asked me out first.
THANK GOODNESS I didn't ask him, or get weirdly aggressive, or try to change myself to make him like me, or lurk around like a Hub-D groupie. NO, thank goodness I didn't have the chance because he was nuts about me too, and thus short-circuited all of my stupid desperate behaviors.
Yes, Babycakes, stay interested in your own life and your own pursuits. Know what you want in boys that you date -- and what you don't want. Your mama can tell you one thing to add to the list: he has to really, really like you in a bowled-over "you're terrific" John-Cusack-in-Say-Anything kind of way. Otherwise, he's not worth your time.
Your mother has made ALL of the dating errors FOR YOU. So when the time is right (you know, 30-40 years from now) go boldly into your dating life, confident that great men will find YOU, and all you need to do is be your beautiful, brilliant self -- never compromising, never groupie-izing, and having a marvelous time.