School daze

We want Chebbles to gain admission to the *perfect preschool* for her. I recognize that this is am impossible dream, a "perfect preschool." Even the best preschool (one that lets her fingerpaint and pursue archaeology simultaneously) will probably give her head lice at some point. But we feel we have the opportunity here to provide Chebbles with the first steps toward a terrific education, so she can NEVER BLAME US if her life goes astray.

To that end, we've narrowed down the list to a couple Montessori schools (her current school and the dream country school) and a couple of private schools that will "nurture her intellect" (their words) until she's in Eighth Grade.

We took the tour of one school yesterday (the one where I nearly passed out -- why did I have to be wearing a name tag while I swooned?), and now it's time to complete her application.

I'm throwing my whole addled brain into the questions they pose on the application -- I want my answers to accurately reflect Chebbles' capabilities and challenges, but I also want the admissions directors to be bowled over by our family's enthusiasm for their school.

Or perhaps I should opt for total honesty...


Please describe your child’s current school experience.

Other kids just tend to PISS HER OFF, with few exceptions. We're pretty sure her teacher doesn't know her all that well (in our parent/teacher conference, she described Chebbles as "cute," which we knew) and we only stuck her in that school because I thought I was going to die if I didn't get a break from mothering during pregnancy.

Please describe your child’s after school activities.

She takes off all of her clothes and tries to take a crap in my office. Then she locates any hidden scissors, Sharpies, or stickers and "decorates" the rest of the house while I clean up the crap from my office floor.

Please describe your child's regular household responsibilities.

She is our Feline Annoyance Officer in our home, and she enjoys finding things she doesn't like (her new pants, for example) and throwing them away.

What activities does your child most enjoy?

Taking toys from other kids who look like they might be having fun. Or crying when other kids take toys from her. Plus eating mangoes.

What tasks/situations does your child find challenging?

* Getting out of the car when everyone else is getting out of the car.
* Being told "no."
* Wanting to bang her head on the hardwood floor despite her parents' moving her tantruming body to carpeted areas.
* Having her hair washed once a month.

Is there anything else you would like us to know about your child?

She thinks we're such square, irritating militants, we're pretty sure she's staging a Bhutto-esque rally for power behind the barbed wire of her baby gates.